Naruto Oneshot Theatre
by kyugan
Summary: A collection of Oneshots on the Narutoverse, mostly request pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Alright, let's all raise a big round of applause for Wolfdragon99 for being the first to guess the symbolisim of the split leaf. i won't spoil anything for you avid readers out there but it DOES relate to the relationshiop between Sasuke and Naruto, I'll leave HOW up to your imaginations.

First off, this is my first actual attempt at a mature rating off the bat, so sorry if it falls short of expectations. If anyone is remotely offended by the content, or find it lacking as the case may very well be, I humbly apologise, I'm only human.

That said, responsible adults and teens only, thank you and enjoy the show.

No random extras were harmed in the production of this fanfic...much.


	2. Chapter 2

The cast of Naruto and all related media belong to Masashi Kishimoto-sensei, may his drawing hand never grow stiff.

Dedicated to wolfdragon99 for being the first to guess the symbolisim of the leaf.

* * *

One shot-winter liaisons.

'How in the heck did I get in this mess?'

These were the words spoken by many a man throughout history when nothing seems to be going right. Usually it was because of an act of stupidity, revelry or sheer circumstance.

For Uzumaki Naruto, all three of the above were a factor.

--

It had all started out simply. Tsunade had received a mission request from the yuki no kuni, the land of snow. Apparently some local lord had hired shinobi of Chunin class or so and Princess Yuki wanted someone on hand to sort them out.

Unfortunately, Kakashi had been sent on a mission weeks ago to tea country, Gai and Asuma were both in wave country dealing with bandits, and Kurenai was running an errand for Suna.

The only active jounin for the mission was the ever-scary Mitarashi Anko, a professional to be sure, but a scary one that loved her work. She was Ibiki's assistant at the torture & interrogation branch for a reason after all.

This led to the second problem, the only genin team that could be spared was Kurenai's team eight, Gai's team having accompanied their sensei on the mission and Shikamaru, being a chunin, having taken his teammates with him to deliver a document to some minor lord. And while Kurenai's cell was by no means a group of pushovers, Anko had wanted some additional manpower in case things got rough.

Additional manpower, only one ninja fit that definition in spades, and just so happened to barge into the office demanding a mission and/or training from the tired, and annoyed, Godaime.

--

"So how many guys did this lord hire?" Naruto repeated, looking over at Shino for confirmation as they walked along the frozen path. The boat ride over to Yuki no kuni hadn't been any more fun than last time, Akamaru and Kiba being sick having been the sole highlight of the blonde's trip.

"Twenty, all chunin rank." Shino replied flatly "How do I know this? Because I was paying attention at the debriefing."

'I REALLY can't stand this guy.' Naruto deadpanned, shooting the stoic Aburame a glare as they marched along. Kiba was riding Akamaru up front, the massive canine's pants leaving trails of steam in his wake.

"Taku, why am I always stuck babysitting brats these days?" Anko muttered, looking bored out of her skull, "I mean c'mon, so what if I'm the only jounin, couldn't they have scrounged up someone a little more experienced?"

"You weren't our first choice either." Naruto muttered, only to shiver as a kunai scraped past his cheek. Hinata eyed the startled blonde with shy concern, wanting to offer him something for the wound but to too shy to speak up in front of the others.

"Hey, Naruto." Kiba called over his shoulder, looking over his shoulder at the blonde inquisitively "Aren't you cold in that thing? Akamaru and I are freezing and we're bundled up!"

Naruto blinked, eyeing his black and orange jumpsuit beneath his cloak and the scarf he had on. Having the Kyuubi inside meant he had a higher body temperature than normal so he didn't really need much else to keep him warm. Hell, Ero sennin had him running laps in a blizzard with nothing but a pair of shorts on and he'd barely felt it until the last trek. Although that might have been because he'd been pretty much frozen solid by then.

"They say fools don't catch colds after all." Anko teased, earning a glare from the blonde as he eyed her fully bundled form.

"I'd like to see you say that without that damn parka Sensei." Naruto shot back, smirking as the jounin shot him a glare.

"Urusei…I hate the cold." Anko snapped back, looking decidedly uncomfortable with the topic "And if you don't quit yapping I'll stick you like a-!"

"Hold up!" Kiba called out, raising a hand to stall the group as he looked around, nostrils twitching "We got company…All around us!"

The group tensed, Hinata activating her Byakugan to take in the surroundings. "Five…ten…twenty altogether." She reported, frowning in concentration "All chunin class chakra levels."

"Well that didn't take long." Anko noted with a smirk, slipping some senbon and kunai into her hands "guess these pansies hat to wait about as much as I do."

"Heads up." Kiba called out, nodding as one of the figures stood up, "Looks like we're about to get a speech."

--

"So you're the team they sent in from Konoha?" the large, bearded shinobi called out, furs covering his massive frame, a single kimono sleeve visible beneath them "I am Kuma, commanding officer of this unit." He gazed down at them "I have no qualms against you, but if you do not turn back then your lives are forfeit."

"We were sent here to deal with you and your employer." Anko shot back, a coy smirk lining her face "You really think we're just gonna run off with our tails between our legs because you asked us to?"

Kuma eyed the purple haired jounin carefully, before chuckling and shaking his head "I suppose not…you leaf Shinobi are as hotheaded as they say." He eyed them, all signs of empathy gone "But not even the hottest flame can survive long in this country."

He clapped his hands together, the other shinobi appearing around the cliff and mimicking his seals.

"Hyouton: NADARE!"

--

"Shit!" Anko swore, as the snow on the cliffs around them began to roar and shift as chakra surged into it "They planned for us! Break for it!"

The genin didn't need to be told twice, leaping into the air to avoid the worst of the flow, latching onto trees and boulders as they went. Naruto, as always, summoned his clones to add some muscle.

"Teme!" the blondes roared, using a tree to launch themselves at their assailants "It's our turn-tebayo!"

"Baka! Keep the formation!" Anko yelled, only to curse as she realized the jinchuuriki, as usual, wasn't listening, "Aho! Senei Jyashuu!"

A serpent launched from the woman's sleeve and latched onto a ledge, enabling her to swing up and land a kick to a Chunin's nose, crushing it into his brain. She followed through with the motion by whipping out senbon and launching them at other approaching threats, taking them out from a distance.

Several Chunin attempted to rush the members of team eight, only for a pair of fanged hurricanes to rip them to shreds as Kiba and Akamaru tore through the ranks. One, attempting a second avalanche jutsu, found himself covered in millions of hungry Kikaichu, screaming as they drained his chakra into their hungry little mouths.

Hinata was a blur of motion, flowing from one deadly Jyuken strike to another, weaving under blows and using her opponents' own momentum against them, sending several flying as she utilized her Shogo Hakke: Rokujyuuyonshou to it's fullest, severing chakra coils and deflecting any airborne weapons that got to close, and looking damn fine doing it.

Naruto charged Kuma, his clones enabling him to avoid and disable the traps the chunin had set, and was currently duking it out with the bear of a man.

"I'll give you credit kozo." Kuma applauded, even as he swung a bizarre, club like weapon at the blonde "To have lasted this long on our turf…you are a credit to your village."

"You're not to bad yourself ossan!" Naruto shot back, ducking under a club even as he tried to get the rasengan going. Kuma caught him a blow with the club that caused several ribs to crack, only for the blonde to grin and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"NANI?!" the chunin gaped, only to whirl round as the sound of rotating chakra filled the air.

"ODAMA RASENGAN!" Naruto roared out, ramming a massive sphere of chakra into the giant alongside his clone, Kuma's roar of pain filling the air as he was sent crashing back into a boulder, obliterating it and leaving him a broken, smoking wreck.

--

Naruto paused for breath, making his way over to the fallen chunin, his clone disappearing, having spent the chakra used to summon it. he gazed down at the man, who regarded him weakly through fading eyes.

"Hurk…that technique…" Kuma grit out, blood on his teeth "That was…Konoha's yellow flash…"

Naruto blinked, looking down at the man in surprise "Ossan…you knew the yondaime?"

"So that's what happened to him." Kuma noted with a cough, "He came here years ago…with a team of brats not much different from you bunch…" his eyes grew distant "That was the first time in my life…I knew defeat."

Naruto stared down at the broken shinobi as the others gathered close, apparently the man's comrades hadn't put up much of a fight without their leader. Kuma regarded them with a chuckle "Yare-yare…so I loose again…no matter."

"Dead men shouldn't be so talkative." Anko pointed out, looking down at the chunin impassively "So care to say anything before you croak? Any last words?"

"A few…" the chunin allotted, looking Naruto in the eye seriously "You resemble that man...FAR too much to be coincidence." He stated, the blonde's eyes widening in shock "It may be a hunch…but lets see if you survive as well as he did."

Anko noticed the man's palm gathering chakra too late, grabbing Naruto by the back of his cloak and yanking him back as Kuma slapped a palm into the ground.

"DOTON: RETSUDO TENSHOU!"

--

Naruto awoke to find everything around him black. Movement revealed that he was buried in what could only be snow, and by the feel of things he'd been buried long enough for his fingers to go numb, which had woken him.

'Not good.' He muttered, rotating his head and arms as he'd been taught to make enough room to move 'Gotta move fast…before the air runs out.'

Once he had enough room to move his head he spat, noting from the way it trailed down his cheek that at least he was facing upright. Gritting his teeth he closed his eyes, letting a little more of the fox's chakra flow through his numbed limbs, heating them up and restoring them to normal. The added chakra had the extra benefit of melting the snow as he tunneled out, breaking the surface with a gasp in less than a minute, his head sticking out like a dandelion in the snowdrift.

The sun had set and a blizzard had started while he'd been out, obscuring the landscape with darkness and a flurry of white. He cursed, as he looked up, unable to tell exactly how far he'd fallen or even if there was any way back up.

Something moved off to the right, stumbling through the blizzard towards him, preparing himself for an enemy ambush, the jinchuuriki was QUITE surprised as Hyuuga Hinata stumbled into view, her lips blue and Byakugan active.

"Hinata!" he called out, marching through the snow and catching the heiress as she stumbled "Are you okay? Shit! You're freezing!"

Hinata merely looked up at the blonde in relief, holding onto his jumpsuit as if to verify his existence. "N-Naruto-kun." She stuttered, not entirely because of the cold "I-I couldn't f-find a-anyone else…" she shivered as the blizzard seemed to intensify "S-so c-cold…"

Naruto grit his teeth and pulled his own cloak over the shivering girl's frame, ignoring her protests as he slung her onto his back "I've been through something like this before!" he called out over the wind "we gotta get to shelter first!"

Hinata didn't reply, and the blonde cursed as he realized she was still shivering uncontrollably. 'Dammit! If I don't find a shelter soon-!' he trailed off, a light in the distance catching his attention, wavering in the wind but there 'A campfire? The others?' he scowled 'Or the enemy…either way it's all we got!'

--

Anko lay curled up against the wall, her soaking wet parka and clothes discarded as she tried to keep warm under the thick emerency blanket she'd wrapped around herself, gazing at the fire she'd lit dazedly.

THIS was the true reason for her complaints, the real reason she'd bitched and moaned throughout the hated mission to such a cold, desolate country.

One of the many side effects of the seal placed on her by Orochimaru was that her body became more akin to his own, so as to better channel his corrupt soul had he decided to keep her with him. The problem being that Orochimaru, being the serpent he was, was highly averse to cold, and had not factored this into the prototype for the seal, meaning that the original curse seal seriously hindered it's host in winter climates.

Right now Anko was trying her best not to curl up in a ball like a worm and freeze to death, but her body, soaked to the bone as a result of falling into a nearby frozen stream, felt like it was about to shut down altogether.

'So this is it huh…' she noted wryly 'No big finale, no tales of glory…just gonna freeze to death on some barren strip of rock.' She chuckled, looking into the flames mockingly 'Damn…if I'd know it was going to end I'd have at least gotten laid before I left.'

Movement at the front of the cave drew her attention, cursing as she realized her body was moving at a snails pace due to the cold. Stumbling to her feet, the blanket falling from her shivering frame as she gripped a kunai, the former apprentice of Orochimaru grit her teeth and staggered forwards stubbornly. 'If I die I'm taking someone with me!' she swore, raising the kunai only for a hand to seize her wrist and hold her at bay, the last of her strength leaving her knees as she fell into a chest that, she noted dimly, was deliciously warm.

--

Naruto blinked as Anko sagged against him, near dropping Hinata as the hand he'd used to capture the jounin's wrist was shifte to her waist to hold her up. 'Damn…she feels like ice.' He noted, carrying the two kunoichi over to the fire, setting the older, NAKED woman on her blanket and depositing Hinata near it as well, trying his damn hardest not to look more than he already had.

'Okay…we got shelter.' He noted, summoning some clones to spread around the cave, several pushing a boulder to block off the worst of the biting wind whilst leaving enough room for air 'But there's no sign of Kiba or Shino…and no way to get in contact.'

He winced as Hinata let out a sneeze, shivering as she held herself on top of the blanket. 'Dammit, if I don't do something they're gonna freeze!' he swore, reaching through his backpack for the emergency blankets he'd brought, only to blink as Anko's arm wrapped around his leg.

"So warm…" the jounin muttered drowsily, hugging the shocked jinchuriki's leg to her bosom, "So warm…"

"The heck?" Naruto stammered, reaching down and shaking the woman "Anko-sensei! Anko-sensei are you awake?"

"Nuh-ruto?" the jounin croaked, looking at him dazedly "Wha's goin on…so cold…wanna sleep."

"No! Sleeping is a BAD idea!" Naruto insisted, recalling Jiraiya's lectures on what NOT to do after being caught in a blizzard, "You gotta stay awake! Hinata needs help and I only have one spare blanket!"

"'nata?" Anko repeated, looking over at the shivering heiress dully "Oh…Hyuuga's brat…dun care…cold."

"I care!" Naruto snapped, shaking the woman to keep her awake "What's wrong with you?! Aren't you supposed to be a jounin?! Why're you acting so-!"

He trailed off as the jounin wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close, flushing as she pressed her considerable bust against his chest. Scary or not, Anko was VERY much a woman, and Naruto, for all he was an idiot, wasn't dense enough not to realize that.

"Jus cold…" the jounin muttered nuzzling the startled genin's chest "she'll be fine…make warm."

"Warm?" Naruto repeated as if in a daze, blinking as he recalled something Ero-sennin had said.

--

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_"Listen up Naruto." Jiraiya called out as Naruto sat under a waterfall, freezing his nads off for the sake of better chakra control "Even if you don't have enough chakra to keep you warm, you can still do so if you're traveling in a team."_

"_H-how's that…Ero-ssss-sennin?" the blonde chattered, trying not to bite of his tongue. Jiraiya glared at him for the title but let it slide, he was suffering enough anyway._

"_The human body produces heat whenever shivering," the sennin instructed, "As such, by lying with your comrades, sharing body heat, you can survive in the most inhospitable of terrains."_

"_W-what…like sleeping in the s-same t-tent?" the blonde asked, looking at him in confused annoyance "We do that anyway!"_

"_Not just the same tent." Jiraiya replied, "sharing the same bedroll, or blanket." He shivered in disgust "You also have to be butt naked, which sucked ass let me tell you."_

"_Why? I f-figured any reason to see b-Baachan in the buff w-would make y-your day." Naruto sniped, smirking despite the cold._

_"Because SHE always made sure to have thermal underwear." Jiraiya griped, shuddering at a repressed memory "And Orochimaru just so happened to get really clingy when things got too cold…damn snake."_

--

'I thought he was just kidding.' The blonde muttered, flinching as Anko ground against him, apparently enjoying the heat a little TOO much.. He caught sight of Hinata shivering and grit his teeth 'M-maybe just down to the underwear…'

He pulled Anko off him, a difficult task as she didn't want to let go, and made his way over to check the shivering Hyuuga, grimacing at how hot her head was. 'No good…she's freezing.' He noted, wincing as he touched her coat 'And soaked through too…no choice, Gomen Hinata.'

He began undoing her coat, looking the other way as much as he could, fighting down the urge to blush as he realized just how…developed, the shy girl was. Who could blame him though? She was normally so covered up no-one but another Hyuuga could've possibly known what was under the clothes.

--

Neji sneezed, wiping his nose before sipping from his iced tea beneath the sgade of an umbrella.

The team, having completed their mission in record time, were enjoying some much needed R&R at the beach near the great Naruto bridge while Asuma headed back to Konoha to check on Kurenai.

Whilst the sight of Tenten in a bikini was something the branch member planned to savor, he REALLY didn't need to see Lee and Gai hugging whilst wearing identical green Speedos.

Needless to say they had the beach to themselves.

--

By the time Naruto had finished stripping the Hyuuga heiress of her outer garments, and managed to get her to let go of his arm in her search for warmth, he was literally at his wits end. Anko had already stripped down to nothing but the blanket before they'd entered the cave thankfully, her clothes and parka hanging suspended over the fire to dry out. He set a series of clones to wring them out properly along with Hinata's before placing the two together on a dry blanket and covering them.

'I'm not stripping all the way down.' He vowed, stepping behind a rock to undress 'Anko would kill me and I couldn't look Hinata in the eye if I did.' He blinked as all his clones suddenly poofed out of existence, face flushing and cursing at his own inner pervert, which the copies had inherited in spades 'Dammit! It's just a pair of naked girls! In a cave…with me…alone…DAMMIT!'

He stamped out, dressed only in boxers, wishing he was anywhere else but here, right up until he caught sight of what had caused the clones to vanish.

Anko, seeking warmth, had coiled around Hinata like an anaconda, nuzzling the girls hair and pressing her into her impressive cleavage. Hinata, who was rather impressive herself, was moaning as she nuzzled said assets, her own ivory skin contrasting with Anko's tan as her legs wrapped around the older kunoichi's

'Blood…leaving…brain…' Naruto stammered, feeling all the blood rush out of his skull and down to the 'other' head as the two twisted and coiled about each other like something out of Ero-sennin's wet dream. Eyes rolling back into his head, the self-proclaimed rokudaime hokage (Future) collapsed backwards in a dead faint.

--

Anko awoke with a jolt, the sudden sound of a body falling snapping her senses to high alert as she sat up, blinking as she took in the comatose, semi-naked form of Naruto. 'What the-?' she began, only to blink as she realized something ear was snuggling up to her, looking down to find Hiashi's little princess curled around her, moaning in complaint at her sudden movement.

'When did she…did he put us like this?' the jounin wondered, eyeing Naruto's unconscious form and smirking at the dazed look on his face 'Heh, for someone who trained with Jiraiya, he's such a lightweight.'

"Mmmm…what?" Hinata mumbled rousing slightly as she looked up at the jounin in confusion "Anko-sensei…what's-?" she trailed off, realizing her current state of attire and blushing scarlet.

"Finally noticed did you?" Anko noted with a smirk "gotta say, I never knew Hyuugas were so frisky, you all act like such prudes."

"S-SUMIMASEN!" Hinata squeaked, trying to cover herself and bow at the same time "I didn't…I mean I-!"

"Save it will ya? I'm not pissed." Ano assured her, putting a hand on the girl's head "Hell, Kurenai and I got into a mess like this a while back," she smirked "Now that I think of it, she was kinda freaked out to wake up naked next to me too…damn prude." She shrugged "Anyway, I don't remember stripping down, and you certainly didn't do it, so I think we have golden boy there to thank."

"N-Naruto-kun…saw me…naked?!' Hinata gaped, flushing scarlet in embarrassment and mortification as she tried not to look at the boy in his boxers. Anko sighed and shook her head.

"Would you relax, probably saved your life doing it." she pointed at the clothes hung up to dry "You were soaked through, he got you outta them before hypothermia kicked in and set you down next to me to keep warm, simple survival theory." She smirked "Still, guess he wasn't expecting the show we put on…so damn adorable."

"A-ano…" Hinata began, trying to change the subject whilst sneaking peaks at Naruto in his boxers "W-what should we do now?" She squeaked as Anko stood up, butt naked, and walked over to the blonde.

"What else?" Anko replied, slinging the blonde over her shoulder "Its freezing out there, and that fire isn't gonna last forever." She smirked, slapping the boy on the rump "Not that it matters, we got a life-size hot water bottle right here."

"A-ANKO-SENSEI!" Hinata chastised, only to flush as Naruto was tossed towards her, head landing on her chest.

"Ah hush up and move over." Anko ordered, pulling the blanket over them as she curled around the comatose blonde. Hinata, still flushing in embarrassment, felt the bite of the cold through the blocked cave mouth and relented, snuggling up to her longtime crush, cheering internally as she did so.

--

Jiraiya froze, sitting up ramrod straight, almost giving his position away to the bathing beauties below.

'Perv senses…tingling!' the evil grandmaster of all perverts muttered, the sagely look on his face marred by the trail of blood leaving his nostril 'I sense…that my apprentice…is getting some! Without me to document it!'

Cursing, the sennin used shunshin to get back to Konoha, leaving the bevy of bathing babes to their own devices…a clone in place making careful notes of everything.

Hey, emergency or not, a man has his priorities.

--

"So Hinata." Anko asked out of the blue, causing the heiress to look up at her "How long you had a crush on golden boy here?" she snorted at the Hyuuga's flush "Oh you got it bad, c'mon, it's not like I asked if you two did it yet."

"I wish." Hinata muttered, only to gasp as she realized she'd spoken aloud, gazing at the Cheshire grin on the jounin's face in terror.

"Hoh?" Anko drawled with a smirk "So Hiashi's little princess is having naughty thoughts about a boy?" she chortled "How…raunchy." She hugged Naruto's head to her bosom, grinning all the while "Too bad, I got him first."

"A-Anko-sensei!" the Hyuuga heiress gasped, looking shocked at the older woman's actions "W-what are you saying?!"

"What? The kid's loyal, dependant, funny." She smirked "Plus he's got a shit load of stamina…ALWAYS a plus if you get what I'm saying." She nuzzled the unconscious blonde's cheek "And his blood tastes sooo gooooood."

Hinata couldn't help the little trail of blood that ran down her nose as she watched the jounin fondle her Naruto. Her Naruto? When had she started referring to him as HER Naruto?

_'Probably the second Anko threw him on us.'_ A voice in her head replied, _'And why shouldn't we think of him as ours, that bitch Sakura had her chance years ago.'_

'Sakura-san isn't a bitch.' Hinata replied with a mental frown, though for the life of her she couldn't understand the blonde's infatuation with the godaime's apprentice. She was hardly the prettiest girl in the village, nor the nicest if her temper was any sign, hell it was suspected she had some sort of personality disorder at the hospital but no-one dared bring it up.

_'Oh please, she's a bitch,'_ the sarcastic voise muttered '_what else would you call someone who vents her anger on someone who only wants to please her, fawning over some gay bishounen who betrayed the village and smacking down anyone that speaks ill of him?'_

'I really shouldn't be arguing with myself…it isn't healthy.' Hinata muttered, shaking herself and tightening her grip on Naruto's arm, causing Anko to blink. "Naruto-kun doesn't belong to anyone." She told the jounin nervously "Please don't treat him like your personal property!"

Anko blinked, and then smirked, leaning across the boy to look the suddenly nervous girl in the eye, "Oh? And what'll you do if I don't?"

Hinata didn't like the glint in the jounin's eyes, even as she heard the sliding of scales on rock.

--

Naruto awoke with a groan, trying to raise himself only to find, to his horror, snakes around each limb, holding him down.

'I knew it! I knew this would happen!' he swore, looking wildly round for the sadistic jounin 'Oh shit! She's gonna castrate me! She's gonna neuter me! She's gonna…feel up Hinata?'

He gaped at the sight before him, unable to comprehend what his eyes were seeing as the Hyuuga heiress let out a moan that didn't sound painful in any form. Or at least, if it did hurt, it was in a good way.

_'Wow…'_ a voice in the blonde's head noted in shocked amazement as they followed the arch of the heiress' back _'Hinata's really flexible.'_

'Aho!' the blonde snapped at the voice 'Don't think about her like that! Neji'll kill me for thinking about her like that!'

_'What? What's wrong with looking at those silky thighs, those luscious mounds, the way her toes curl as her back arches-'_

'CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALA! NOT A PERVERT LALALA! DAMN YOU ERO-SENNIN LALALA!"

_'Please,'_ the voice scoffed _'everyone has a little pervert in them, where would little shinobi and kunoichi come from otherwise?'_

'Ha! I know that!' Naruto shot back 'Iruka sensei told us at the academy! You won't get me that way!"

_'Yeah, as if a stork, or any bird for that matter, can carry an infant Akimichi Chouji ANYWHERE, let alone to the hospital.'_ The sarcastic voice muttered _'Face it kid, I'm right, enjoy the damn show and hope you get some.'_

'I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the damn fox.' Naruto growled, the demon having gone to sleep the minute they'd set foot in snow country, something about hibernation or some crock of shit. Naruto personally believed the demon was just picking up bad habits from Shikamaru.

--

Shikamaru sneezed, grunting as he rolled over, only to find himself incapable of movement. The reason being the pair of blondes currently latched onot his arm. A pair of NAKED blondes.

A pair of naked blondes who A. Couldn;t stand each other, B. Were extremely volatile a C happened to be in good graces with the greatest tyrant the boy had ever met, his own mother.

'I am so fucked...' the Nara whimpered, before noting his own state of undress and the state of the bed 'Damn...i really am...and I can't remember a thing.' he sighed 'At least it can't get any worse.'

"Temari..." Agravely voice that belonged to a certain reformed psychotic turned Kazekage "Are you in there?"

Shikamaru wondered how in the hell he got into these messes as the door to the room slowly opened.

--

"Well," Anko's voice echoed, snapping Naruto out of his thoughts and freezing him in terror, "It seems our heater woke up Hinata."

Naruto slowly turned his head to look upon the two women, noting the hungry look on Anko's face with no small amount of fear, blinking as he noticed a kind of dazed look in the normally docile Hyuuga's eyes. "What'd you do to Hinata?!" he demanded, only to blink as she began to crawl to him.

"Oh nothing much…" Anko replied, somehow crossing the room to appear behind him, holding his arms behind his back as she sat him upright "Just a little…stimulation…to put her in the right mood."

"Naruto-kun…" the Hyuuga purred, her tone sending shivers down the blonde's spine that had nothing to do with the cold "I need you…right now…so warm…"

'Not a pervert-Not a pervert-Not a pervert!' the blonde chanted, even as Hinata began to climb up his torso like some ancient cat goddess 'Not a pervert-Not a pervert-Not a pervert-Not a pervert-Not a-AAAAH FUCK IT!'

--

Anko blinked as the blonde leapt out of her grip and onto Hinata, the two getting into a tongue war, Hinata holding the back of the blonde's head desperately as he hugged her close. Smirking, she separated them, eliciting a growl form Hinata that turned to a whimper as she nibbled on the girl's neck just so.

"Slow down kiddies." She assured the two genin, "Let Anko-neechan show you how it's done."

She then grabbed Naruto's head and kissed him, the blonde's eyes shooting open in surprise as she simultaneously pinched a cluster of nerves at the nape of his neck. The blonde reciprocated, Hinata leaning in close and trailing kisses along each of their necks.

Anko broke the kiss, smirking at the dazed expression, before grabbing Hinata and doing the same to her, even as Naruto got started on the Jounin's bust like a starved infant. Kid learns fast.' She noted with a smirk, not breaking the lip lock with Hinata as she let her hands wander over the Hyuuga's frame 'And who knew Hiashi's little princess was such a wildcat…a little light shiatsu and she nearly bit my head off.'

Breaking the kiss, the Jounin reached down and pressed her fingers between Hinata's thighs, eliciting a gasp as the heiress spasmed. With her free hand she grabbed Naruto's other head, grinning as the blonde let out a grunt. "Damn kid," Anko chuckled appreciatively, fondling what felt like an iron rod beneath the shorts "Someone's certainly grown in the last three years."

She grinned, before ripping them off to let the poor lad breath "Now then…lets get a taste of you..." She purred, even as Hinata sidled up next to her, eyes wide as she stared at the trembling piece of meat in shock. "Right, this is the first time seeing one this close isn't it…just follow nee-chan's lead."

--

Jiraiya needed a way to get to snow country fast, but the boats there took a few days at least, and crazy stamina freak as he was, he doubted Naruto would last that long without dying…or releasing the seal, neither prospect sounding pleasant.

So he'd done the only thing he could do, he'd barged into Tsunade's office, making sure his back was aimed precisely towards Yuki no kuni, and groped his teammate right in front of Shizune.

The only thing that dulled the pain in his face as he sailed through the air was the knowledge that after surviving a punch like that, the subsequent crash in Yuki no kuni would feel like a tap on the shoulder.

--

Anko moaned as she took in as much of the blonde's throbbing member as she could, actually surprising herself as she realized it was still growing. 'Kid's gonna spoil a lotta girls for marriage.' She noted, actually unhinging her jaw partially to get the full thing in 'Good thing I nabbed him first.'

Hinata licked around the jounin's lips, trying to get at the meat flute as well, Naruto moaning as they fed off him. Anko merely smirked, causing the blonde to buck slightly, the jounin near choking as the first salvo fired off, the second clipping her ear as she released him, Hinata latching on hungrily like some perverted leech.

"Hot damn kid," the jounin muttered, swallowing her mouthful and eyeing the blonde appreciatively "If I'd known you'd turn out like this I'd have kidnapped you from Jiraiya myself." She watched as Hinata released the boy, a fourth salvo splattering across their bodies as Naruto finally seemed to run out of steam. Chuckling, the Jounin seized the blondes member, stroking it firmly with one hand as she brought Hinata closer to her, licking the trails of fluid off the heiress' skin as she moved up to her lips, the two kissing once again, savoring the taste of their prize.

As soon as Anko felt the blonde stiffen under her hand again she released the heiress, crouching over the blonde with a smirk "Time for the main event kiddo," she stated, pressing the kid onto his back even as she guided him towards her opening "Don't worry…I'll be gentle."

"S-sensei…" Hinata moaned, looking at the jounin with her dazed eyes, only for Anko to put a finger to the Hyuuga's lips.

"Sorry Imouto," she chuckled "But your old man'd have our little friend here neutered if you two did it." she smirked at the blonde as he looked up at them dazedly "And what a waste that'd be…but no problem," she nodded at his lips "He seems hungry enough after all."

The Hyuuga's eyes widened as she caught the jounin's meaning, crawling over to crouch near Naruto's head even as Anko teased the head of him into her entrance, letting out a long hiss as she impaled herself on him.

"Oooooh fuck…" the jounin hissed, rising and falling rhythmically as she did so "Oh I sooo needed this!"

Hinata let out a moan of her own as Naruto began to feed off her, the Hyuuga's breasts bouncing as she arched her back every time the blonde's tongue dug deep. She blinked as Anko touched her shoulder, turning round to face the jounin as Naruto placed both hands on her ivory buttocks, lapping away hungrily as the two resumed their kissing.

Reaching behind the girl, Anko curled one finger into the Hyuuga's rump, the girl letting out a gasp as both holes were stimulated, Anko pressing the girls lips to her breast, panting as she felt herself nearing the edge, neither slowing her pace nor her ministrations as all three came like geysers, their screams drowned out by the howling wind.

--

"If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you." Kiba growled, glaring over his shoulder angrilly "Why the hell are we doing this anyways?!"

"Sharing body heat with one another is an important way to survive in hostile conditions." Shino replied "How do I know this, because one of the main threats the Aburame have faced is the elements, we know better than to be prudish when our lives are on the line, and you still have your shorts."

"That's hardly a comfort when a GUY his hugging me from BEHIND!" Kiba snapped, hoping to hell the storm ended soon and that noone heard his yell.

"Would you rather Akamaru get behind you?" Shino replied blankly, the canine growling from where he lay curled in front of his partner.

"NO I WOULD NOT!" Kiba snapped, glaring at his annoying teammate in a rage "AND QUIT SAYING IT LIKE THAT YOU BASTARD!"

Movement at the front of their shelter drew their attention, a large figure bursting in with a video camera and notebook, only to take one look at them and scream, heading for the hills and clawing at his eyes.

"That was Jiraiya-sama of the densetzu no sennin." Shino noted "How do I know this?" he held up a green book, "Because his picture is shown in this book."

"Dude! Is that Icha-Icha Tactics?!" Kiba yelped, looking at the book in awe "I thought it wasn't released yet! Where'd you get it?"

"My clan sometimes assist Jiraiya-sama with intel gathering." The Aburame replied with all the emotion of a brick "We are well rewarded for our services."

"C-can I read it?" Kiba asked, looking at the book as if it were the Holy Grail. Shino raised an eyebrow, before shrugging, opening the book to the starting page and letting the Inuzuka read over his shoulder. Neither noticing Akamaru sitting up straight and looking at the cave entrance as howls filled the air.

It seemed the two had something in common after all, and all it took was one perverted old man who was currently smashing his head against a wall to make them realize it.

--

Anko panted as she lay atop Hinata, feeding off the hyuuga while Naruto pounded away at her behind. Hinata was currently feeding off the jounin, occasionally licking at Naruto's sack as he pounded away like a piston.

The Kunoichi moaned as they came, Naruto following right behind, Anko arching her back as he shot off another load into her rump, before they collapsed in a heap, Hinata crawling out from underneath to join them on the balnket.

"D-damn…" Anko managed between gaps, surprised at how exhausted she felt as she stroked Naruto's hair, the blonde nuzzling her left breast "They don't call you a stamina freak for nothing."

Naruto merely grunted, Hinata sighing contentedly as she wrapped her arms around him, the two resting their heads on the jounin's bosom as she held them close. Anko looked out towards the entrance to find that the wind had stopped, faint traces of sunlight sneaking in past the boulder that had held off the worst of the storm. "Looks like things have cleared up outside." She noted, a little impressed despite herself "Damn…have we been going at it for that long?"

She blinked as she noted the two were fast asleep, absently suckling away even in slumber, earning a chuckle from the jounin. "Kids…" she muttered, deciding to put off finding the others until later…if they got around to it at all.

--

A week later…

Tsunade looked over at the team she had sent to Yuki no kuni, the mission report in hand and a frown on her face. According to the report, not only had the team completed the mission, they had done so in a record time of two days upon landing in yuki no kuni, something not even Kakashi had accomplished when he and an ANBU team had gone there years ago.

What confused the godaime was the fact that after those two days the team dropped off the radar, princess yuki sending a search party only to find Kiba, Akamaru and Shino heading towards the capital, surrounded by a pack of apparently friendly wolves. They had trussed up Jiraiya for his own safety, as the sennin appeared to have been driven temporarily insane, requiring a trip to a geisha house before returning to some smeblance of normal.

Anko, Hinata and Naruto had turned up later, though upon questioning only mentioned that they'd fallen down a ravine and had gotten lost finding a way back.

Tsunade eyed the boy she considered her Outoto reborn and frowned, noting a change in his demeanor as he stood to attention before her. It was as if he'd matured over the short span of absence from the village, but that was impossible. Jiraiya had tutored the boy for almost three years and he'd been the same loveable lunkhead as when he'd left, albeit smarter and more powerful.

Speaking of Jiraiya, the sennin was shooting the boy glares that promised imminent pain the second they were out of Tsunade's sight, and the godaime made a note to 'speak' with her fellow sennin after the debriefing was over. She stll had some frustrations to vent for his unwated contact a week ago.

Shino and Kiba seemed to be getting along better, though she supposed the Aburame had just gotten used to his loudmouthed teammate. And as for Hinata…

If someone had told Tsunade that a girl could blossom overnight she'd have just pointed at the Hyuuga heiress. It was like the girl had finally released whatever baggage she was carrying and stepped into herself. If the sennin didn't know better she'd swear she was looking at the girls mother come to life again.

'I'd pay money to see Hiashi's face when she gets home.' She chuckled, knowing the Hyuuga patriarch was likely to have a stroke. She shook herself and nodded to Anko, congratulating her on a job well done, before holding up a report.

"By the way…what the hell are we supposed to do with those wolves you brought with you?" she asked, shooting an embarrassed Kiba a glare.

"Tsume-sama stated she'd be taking them in at the Inuzuka compound." Shizune replied with a confused expression "She seemed quite excited after she checked them all over."

Kiba smirked at his partner, who merely grinned back, tail wagging devilishly as he did so. Tsunade didn't miss this and shuddered as she got a pretty good idea WHY the Inuzuka matriarch was so excited. Yuki no kuni wolves were the same size as Akamaru and just as strong as any shinobi hound, having the bloodline mixed with the clan's own hounds would make them unstoppable.

"You're all dismissed." She instructed, shooting Jiraiya a glare "Not you Jiraiya, I want a word with you…ALONE."

--

Jiraiya whimpered, ignoring the comforting pat on the shoulder from Shizune as she skipped out the door. Turning to find the Godaime had activated a jutsu that secured the room, shutters closing over the windows. "Now Tsunade…" he began, holding up his hands placatingly as his teammate advanced on him, dressed only in her green coat "I only did it out of necessity-!"

"I'll show you necessity." Tsunade shot back, grabbing the man and tossing him onto the Hokage desk, leaping on top of him with a feral smile.

The ANBU positioned outside could only shudder as Jiraiya's screams filled the air, one of the rookies wondering if they should go in to save the man. The senior members, who knew quite well that any attempt to rescue the sennin would result in a painful, violent death, ignored his concerns.

NO-ONE interrupted the Godaime and Jiraiya's 'happy time', not if they wished to retain their ability to eat solids.

--

Two weeks later…

Kurenai had noticed a sudden change in Anko recently, and she couldn't put her finger on it but she knew it had something to do with a man.

To steal Shino's catchphrase, she knew this because Anko always seemed to be glowing, the only time she'd seen Anko do this was after one of her after-mission benders, which normally resulted in some poor shinobi, or several, being sent to hospital for extreme dehydration and exhaustion. Not even Gai, the living embodiment of 'youthfull energy', had lasted a night with the woman, though he had only required a quick energy shake to get going again, testament to his amazing vitality.

She sighed, placing a hand over her belly, where Asuma's child lay growing, a smile crossing her features as she recalled the day she'd told him. The big lug had actually stopped smoking because of it, and had requested she take time off missions, only a strict order from the genjutsu specialist keeping him from telling everyone and their grandmother he wasd about to become a father.

'Of course, Shikamaru seems to have figured it out.' She noted with a smile 'He always was pretty sharp for all his procrastinating.' She blinked as Anko walked past, waving the jounin over with a smile.

"'Sup, how's the bun in the oven?" Anko greeted, smirking down at her friend with a smile "Asuma popped the question yet?"

"Sort of," Kurenai replied "He's already added me to the clan register, but I want to put off the wedding for a time we're more secure."

"I hear ya, no point getting married if the honeymoon's on a mission." She snorted in recollection "Remember Kushina sempai?"

"How could I forget?" Kurenai chuckled, "Minato-sama forgot he had a mission to Iwa the next day and tried to take her there on his honeymoon," she chuckled "She chased him down the streets, both of them were naked."

"And thus the yellow flash was born." Anko cackled, the two laughing away at the dead hokage's expense "Anyways, I gotta run, got somewhere to go."

"Off to see your special guy?" Kurenai asked, smirking as Anko blinked at her "I'm not stupid Anko, I put it together shortly after you left? Who is he? Anyone I know?"

"Sort of," Anko replied with a grin "And by the way…good job with Hinata…girl takes a lot after you."

She disappeared in a swirl of leaves, leaving a VERY confused Kurenai in her wake, reappearing at Naruto's apartment and opening the door.

--

"How many times've I told that brat to lock his damn door?" the jounin muttered, sealing the entryway with a trap jutsu and walking in, smirking as she heard the sounds coming from the bedroom "Heh, couldn't wait to start without me could you?"

Naruto and Hinata looked up, breaking their kiss as they regarded the smirking jounin in embarrassment. Anko chuckled and walked over to them, her clothes falling to the floor as she climbed onto the blonde's bed, groping her 'teammates' asses as she did so.

"Well now…" she purred, even as they started fondling her breasts "Let's pick up where we left off last night…"

--

And thus the one-shot drwas to a close.

How was it? Any good? if you have any complaints let me know.

Please remember this was my first tiem writing anything this mature, so if it isn't up to your liking, be gentle with the flames, i like my reviews without napalm and hellfire.

That said, I rather enjoyed writing this, and hope you enjoy reading it.

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